Inhibitions: The Id and the SuperEgo.

I encountered a kind of twin paradox yesterday. I feel it is still unresolved.

On the train returning from GSU I caught eyes with a young lady who appeared to be mentally ill. More specifically: had down-syndrome. I couldn't help but stare at her, not only because I found her to be so attractive, but also because she was smiling and blushing at me while waving. I started to think that maybe she was looking at someone else, but she pointed me out in particular. And I have to say I had never felt more flattered in my life. I still can't explain why. But strangely enough, a perverted thought came to my mind. Would it be wrong to lust after a person with down-syndrome? I mean can someone truly say that she would not be capable of comprehending her own sexuality? She obviously had employment from the ID she was wearing along with the formal attire. Couldn't it be argued that she would have a better chance of understanding an instinctual process of procreation that all other organisms understand, than understanding what it means to be a part of the workforce? Does she not have hormones that make her pine for sexual pleasure? And is she not worthy of bearing children? Maybe it has more to do with people and their general disgust with anything that is not of peak physical condition when it comes to sex.

Later, another side of this spectrum was shown to me this same day in the evening. Which was probably even more interesting. On my way to work a very attractive young woman sat near me on the bus. She smiled and said hello to me. Immediately we began to talk and I could tell she was flirting, biting her lower lip as she scooted over next to me. She was very direct and openly affectionate with me, touching my thigh with her hands like we had known each other for some time already. She had some baggage with her and I asked her whether she was going out of town or just getting back. She told me she was coming back from seeing a client and this was her first time taking Marta so extensively from trains and buses. She usually wouldn't be on the bus but, she couldn't get a ride from her "Daddy" because she was on punishment for being so needy all the time. I found that to be very interesting, but not as interesting as the response she gave me when I asked her what it is she does for a living. Without hesitation she told me, "I sell pussy." Which suddenly made me understand the daddy reference. She began to tell me of her sexual exploits with such excitement and glee that I couldn't help but be aroused. As she was getting up to leave she told me where she would be later on that night and I should swing by after work to "buy something", as she squeezed my inner thigh. She even went as far as saying that no matter what I might think, I was always going to be paying for the sex anyway. Only, now there is not the hassle of dealing with a relationship. I knew exactly what she was getting at and I couldn't argue against her.

I didn't go see her after work. But I began to think about the reasons why I chose to not go see her. If we could take the situation out of the context of reality's health issues and circumstances, would I think differently about it? If STD's did not exist and prostitution was not illegal would I have gone back to see her then? Would it still be taboo among people to purchase sex from someone? This girl was incredibly attractive, young, sprightly and definitely openly affectionate and I am not currently in a relationship with anyone (though I do desire someone in particular). Would I tempt this offer if under these circumstances? I already knew the answer the moment I posed myself the question. The answer was undoubtedly no.

In the past I have learned that physical intimacy is too tied to my heart for me to ever participate in any sexual acts without emotional attachment. And as much as I believe in free love, esp. if there existed a world where STD's did not exist. I know I could never really take part in it without being in pain. Could you? Would you be okay with seeing the person you desire so much with another at the same level of intimacy? Would you not be jealous? Wouldn't you want to feel special, or are you okay with just being another person on a list?

But what of her? Is it wrong for her to sell sex? She obviously seems to enjoy it. Don't we all have a least some desire for money? Who wouldn't want both at the same time? She did not seem physically abused (and for the sake of the argument lets say she hasn't been) and she also said she was very selective in who she sleeps with. Sure, even her saying that could just have been a ploy to get money out of me. But she did choose to sit next to me over the others on that bus. But again, the question is: what is wrong with her selling her body in a situation where no one is biologically or physically harmed?

In both of these situations where I take the women out of context and put them in an ideal setting, I still feel apprehension to act upon my desires. I feel they are connected, and I can't figure out why they are and why I would still be so apprehensive.