Walking Backwards; Watching Me Running in Circles.

I finally realize what holds me back.

I am not, and have not ever been the type of person to get in a relationship just to say I'm in a relationship. If I have ever initiated the idea, or tried dating someone, it has always been to attempt to further develop a deeper bond with a person to which I already feel close. And since Middle school it has always been the same thing: That feeling is not mutual. I end up throwing my heart into them, and to some extent I get taken advantage of. Even after learning this lesson over and over, I get seduced and manipulated by females even when I know they are abusing my emotions for personal gain. Why? Because I'm a sucker for even the idea that my attempts at being sweet and chivalrous might win over their apathetic hearts. I never like to give up, until there is nothing left to give anymore and I am no longer useful to them.

I hate the fact that no matter how many lessons I have learned in the issue of relationships I have not gotten any closer to seeing how to obtain a genuine relationship with someone. I see so well with my mind's eye and yet my heart is just as blind as it was as a child. I just keep re-living the same scenario in a perpetual loop every time I try. It's no wonder I am not eager to try again.

Anything I want emotionally, I am unable to obtain. Love and relationships have never been on my side, not even within my family. It's as if I have been cursed since birth. I fear that unless I can figure out how to lift this hex, I am doomed to possessing a withering heart who's own hunger will one day eat itself alive.