I finally realize what holds me back.
I am not, and have not ever been the type of person to get in a relationship just to say I'm in a relationship. If I have ever initiated the idea, or tried dating someone, it has always been to attempt to further develop a deeper bond with a person to which I already feel close. And since Middle school it has always been the same thing: That feeling is not mutual. I end up throwing my heart into them, and to some extent I get taken advantage of. Even after learning this lesson over and over, I get seduced and manipulated by females even when I know they are abusing my emotions for personal gain. Why? Because I'm a sucker for even the idea that my attempts at being sweet and chivalrous might win over their apathetic hearts. I never like to give up, until there is nothing left to give anymore and I am no longer useful to them.
I hate the fact that no matter how many lessons I have learned in the issue of relationships I have not gotten any closer to seeing how to obtain a genuine relationship with someone. I see so well with my mind's eye and yet my heart is just as blind as it was as a child. I just keep re-living the same scenario in a perpetual loop every time I try. It's no wonder I am not eager to try again.
Anything I want emotionally, I am unable to obtain. Love and relationships have never been on my side, not even within my family. It's as if I have been cursed since birth. I fear that unless I can figure out how to lift this hex, I am doomed to possessing a withering heart who's own hunger will one day eat itself alive.
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I don't believe there is anything in need of figuring out. Unless there is some horrible thing that repels people from you, which there isn't, then there is nothing for you to 'fix.' As awful as it seems, we often lack little control over things like this, especially when it involves the love of others. We can, however, teach people how to treat us. They rest will come on its own. The more force, the more unnatural the action, the more it will not success, especially in any social situation. Sounds corny, but give off good vibes, and good will come. Maybe not like we expect it to, but it does. Even for the 'cursed.'
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