Some years ago I would have never fathomed I'd be in this position. Struggling to forget about past scars of the heart, I moved away from my emotional investment in others and smothered my soul with ambition and creation. I had given up on finding someone for me completely. And I was content with that fact. I truly was. But life always finds a way of being more powerful than any resolve you possess. And Lady Serendipity will always find a way of putting me in a place that I could never foresee. Always putting me right in the middle of bad timing. Having me desire someone who is already taken. But I know there is more to this.
Is it more than just a longing for them? Maybe I am jealous of what they have as well. Something I know I really can't have. Something that was never meant for me. Family. Sure, I have family; But not like hers, and not with such seemingly good history and love. I remember being a child and that was the only thing I truly wished for. I didn't want money, fame, extraordinary power, I just wanted a family that was happy together. Who didn't argue and fight all the time. And even though times have changed, and the turmoil my father brought to my two significant others (my brother and mother) and myself is something of the past. His name is like that of a haunting ghost that can never be spoken of without anger filling my brother's soul and tears shedding from my mother's heart. I know, after so many years of trying, there is nothing I could do to mend their wounds. And that hurts me the most. There is no physical pain that I wouldn't endure to let this hurt leave me forever. But that is not my fate. And deep down inside, I know there is nothing I can do to change this.
So maybe I am just a coward and I want to escape. Escape into a different life, and a different family. I don't want to accept the burden of what circumstance has given me for much of my young life anymore. I can feel my soul tiring, from playing soother to my brother and being strong for my mother. I am weary from taking my life in my own hands from such a young age. Trying my best not to show my fears of the future to my brother, who believes I have planned it all out. Who admires my forethought, and seemingly distress-free heart. And I hide my lack of courage about being alone from my mother, who believes in her heart I never have growing pains. I remember her telling someone that she never saw me shed a tear for anything past the age of 6. Even when I was leaving her womb I did not cry. Without words she has told me I would have to be the strong one.
Even now thinking back on all I have accomplished, I realize that if it wasn't for the strength my mother gave me, and the passion my brother instilled in me, I would have never made it this far in my life. And maybe that's the reason why I accept the fact that I can't run away. Because of my brother's admiration for me and my mother's desire to live her lost hopes and dreams through me. They have made me all that I am. Every bit of strength, every bit of passion, all my desire is that I can live up to their beliefs in me. Because maybe it is the one thing that can mend their souls. And that is the one thing that can make me truly happy.
I will put aside my jealousy for a life different from what I have already lived, for my mother, who gave every being of her self and never complained once about it. Never once, about working overtime everyday just so I would never think twice about having running water, food, and warm blankets for the winter. Never once did she voice her pain over her true love who divorced her before my father, who fulfilled her more than my father ever could. Even now with her physical pains in her old age, she never complains in her work, she keeps moving because she knows it has to be done. Though we never got a chance to learn each other in my young life. Even in my development years I could see her strength and I knew I wanted it. If I could accept the responsibility as an adolescent then there is no reason I can't now.
I shall put aside my envy for a different family for my brother, who has given me the realization that I can achieve what my heart desires even when the odds are stacked against me 1,000,000 to 1. He being the boy who suffered so many medical issues as a sickly youth and a timid adolescence. Who was scarred emotionally and physically at the hands of my overbearing father at such a young age has grown into a physically strong and outgoing person. He has shown me that we all can grow against the odds. We can overtake anything. It is our passion that will break through our pains and give us a protective shell of unfeeling. I knew this when I was a child, so there is no reason I should not realize this now.
I will become what I was designed to be: a vessel for their hopes and ambition. Because I have already accepted my purpose and this is no time for cowardice.
The resolve:
She is beautiful because she was nutured through love and compassion. Giving her an unchanging heart of empathy and affection.
He is beautiful because he was nutured through passion and courage. Giving him a soul steadfast in endurance.
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2 comments:
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
What you have seems like a wonderful mother and brother who you should be grateful of having. A nurturing mother and a brother who you seem to look up to. Both of these are things that many people crave, many people would love to have the support that you do and the ability to achieve all of the things that you have, and will accomplish(ed).
No matter how things seem from the outside though, you have to realize that not everything can be perfect. Her happiness and astounding history is probably negated by other factors that she can not allow to affect her life. Everyone has problems that they learn to cope with in some manner or another, it is our ability to deal with these problems in positive manners that show who we are, no?
Sorry for rambling. I wish you happiness.
Thank you for your comments. It's nice to see how my words are seen through the eyes of another. However, I was not trying to give the impression I was ungrateful of my brother and mother. In fact, there is so much that I am leaving out of this reasoning for writing this, but I will try and just get to the point. It is not so much that I wish my past was different, or even theirs. My envy was more selfish.
Affection was never something common in my family. No hugs, no kisses. Even the words "I love you" were sparingly used until after my father's death. I learned almost everything I know about affection from young school girls who were unsure of their own emotions. Which is probably why I'm a bit of a masochist today. As a matter of fact I hugged my mother today for mother's day, but the hug was not returned.
It's just that these types of affections are unsettling for my family even to this day and I just wish they weren't.
sorry if I sound dismissive I do think you are right about the grass not always being greener.
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