Aftershocks of nothing.

After the pain of heartbreak begins to dull. An old feeling begins to emerge again. That empty feeling. It is unwelcome in this home, but it always manages to convince you to let them in. It is a feeling that you are unwanted. A feeling you know all too well.

I've never felt abandoned, just insignificant. No matter how much I want to believe I can recruit someone else to join me in my quest for life, I must come to the realization that I must take this journey alone. My faint of heart has made it difficult for me to use my passionate spirit to muster up the courage I need to move forward in this direction. I must find a way to light the fire in my bosom again, lest I be consumed by darkness.

That icy cold sensation I get in my chest when I'm startled or nervous that's usually sudden and goes away in seconds. It's not doing that anymore. It's just staying there. It's aching, I just want it to go away. There's just no cure. I feel like its being crushed and my heart is beating faintly.

Smitten & Smite

I feel like such a fool. I just can't tell anymore. Why does it feel like she's tempting me to follow when she won't let me have her. Is she taken visually, but not in her heart? Do I even have a chance? Am I missing something? Does she even want me? Am I just being manipulated? Why can't I just have her already.... I know the story all too well. She'll keep beckoning, I'll keep following. Women have way too much power over us.

Alone.

I now know why I am alone. Because I sought to leave a world that many of my former peers could not, or were too content in to leave. It was never my intention to be alone, but I realize this sacrifice to breakthrough to the other side hurts me the most. The wound it has put on my ever-working heart, makes my soul weep in agony. Not just for the pain that comes from loneliness, but mostly from the fear that I will never truly be fulfilled in life. Not even close. A fear that my life history maybe be too unique to relate to anyone. To believe that one maybe destined for unhappiness, due to something as simple as a misunderstanding.... Once again, I am a victim of circumstance.

Failure.

My heart aches. I wish it would just break already. my words can't even explain what I feel.