A wearying mind, a panicking heart.

As the sea of uncertainty begins to fill my mind, desperation begins to consume my heart, clouding my vision with fear. Pain from the ongoing struggle of trying to walk the path of destiny, is compounded by the sight of my own lonely shadow. A realization that my demise inside such a place will leave me broken where no one will see me, Nor hear me. Not even a wonder of my existence.
I can only hope, as much as I hate the word "hope", that this is only a part of the story to fulfill my quest for life. And like many great stories I've read and dreamed, this is the fall I must take before I can truly ascend to happiness.

Walking Backwards; Watching Me Running in Circles.

I finally realize what holds me back.

I am not, and have not ever been the type of person to get in a relationship just to say I'm in a relationship. If I have ever initiated the idea, or tried dating someone, it has always been to attempt to further develop a deeper bond with a person to which I already feel close. And since Middle school it has always been the same thing: That feeling is not mutual. I end up throwing my heart into them, and to some extent I get taken advantage of. Even after learning this lesson over and over, I get seduced and manipulated by females even when I know they are abusing my emotions for personal gain. Why? Because I'm a sucker for even the idea that my attempts at being sweet and chivalrous might win over their apathetic hearts. I never like to give up, until there is nothing left to give anymore and I am no longer useful to them.

I hate the fact that no matter how many lessons I have learned in the issue of relationships I have not gotten any closer to seeing how to obtain a genuine relationship with someone. I see so well with my mind's eye and yet my heart is just as blind as it was as a child. I just keep re-living the same scenario in a perpetual loop every time I try. It's no wonder I am not eager to try again.

Anything I want emotionally, I am unable to obtain. Love and relationships have never been on my side, not even within my family. It's as if I have been cursed since birth. I fear that unless I can figure out how to lift this hex, I am doomed to possessing a withering heart who's own hunger will one day eat itself alive.

Aftershocks of nothing.

After the pain of heartbreak begins to dull. An old feeling begins to emerge again. That empty feeling. It is unwelcome in this home, but it always manages to convince you to let them in. It is a feeling that you are unwanted. A feeling you know all too well.

I've never felt abandoned, just insignificant. No matter how much I want to believe I can recruit someone else to join me in my quest for life, I must come to the realization that I must take this journey alone. My faint of heart has made it difficult for me to use my passionate spirit to muster up the courage I need to move forward in this direction. I must find a way to light the fire in my bosom again, lest I be consumed by darkness.

That icy cold sensation I get in my chest when I'm startled or nervous that's usually sudden and goes away in seconds. It's not doing that anymore. It's just staying there. It's aching, I just want it to go away. There's just no cure. I feel like its being crushed and my heart is beating faintly.

Smitten & Smite

I feel like such a fool. I just can't tell anymore. Why does it feel like she's tempting me to follow when she won't let me have her. Is she taken visually, but not in her heart? Do I even have a chance? Am I missing something? Does she even want me? Am I just being manipulated? Why can't I just have her already.... I know the story all too well. She'll keep beckoning, I'll keep following. Women have way too much power over us.

Alone.

I now know why I am alone. Because I sought to leave a world that many of my former peers could not, or were too content in to leave. It was never my intention to be alone, but I realize this sacrifice to breakthrough to the other side hurts me the most. The wound it has put on my ever-working heart, makes my soul weep in agony. Not just for the pain that comes from loneliness, but mostly from the fear that I will never truly be fulfilled in life. Not even close. A fear that my life history maybe be too unique to relate to anyone. To believe that one maybe destined for unhappiness, due to something as simple as a misunderstanding.... Once again, I am a victim of circumstance.

Failure.

My heart aches. I wish it would just break already. my words can't even explain what I feel.