[strength]

Every man who has truly grown from boyhood knows, it is what we do in the face of our own shadow, our weakest moments, that determines our true strength. In the face of shame, we define our true character. I feel I will never be anywhere close to how powerful I want to be until I pull back the curtain on the things I am ashamed of the most. I will speak where I know my heart shames me the most first and my mind will fill in the rest I am sure:

I am ashamed that I did not stop my father's hand to save my brother in his anguish.
I am ashamed of my mother's ignorance, prejudice and cowardice towards what she does not understand.
I am ashamed that I was never able to mend the break between me and my mother.
I am ashamed that my passion is sparked by the flame of my discontent.
I am ashamed of where I come from, a place of so many small minds.
I am ashamed that in the history of all the women I've dated, I was not loved and I am discouraged to the point that I feel I want to ultimately give up.
I am ashamed that I was neglected as a child and still overlooked as an adult.
I am ashamed that my father could never say he loved me, and that I only knew from words on paper found after his death.
I am ashamed that I still hold my tongue to say those words as well.
I am ashamed that if it were not for a friend I would not have heard those words said to me in years.
I am ashamed I did not directly save a life from its own demise, when I was easily able.

I am still haunted by my shame even when now I feel so physically strong, so mentally steadfast, and emotionally it is hard for anyone to move me away from happiness. My shame no longer hurts me, but like a scar, it reminds me of who I really am.

Walking on the Thread of Life

It hurts to know my place on the stage of life. It's painful to know my own destiny is like a thread. And devastating to know myself. Can I truly walk the thread? I don't know, it's my first time trying. But it is up to me to consciously make the decision to step outside who I am in the present, so that I have the ability to be who I want to be in the future. I have to walk on the thread and test my fate. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Risk will always tend to feel like I can't survive it. And time will always seem to be against me. As if the floor from which I stepped upon before will not exist anymore. Onto the thread I must go, I have no other path before me. And that's true. There is no such thing as a the perfect moment to do anything. In many ways, life seems like an oracle. It will be the way it should be. I am just worried about what it "should be", and whether that is what I want it to be.

I have to stop believing that because of where and what I come from, I have no shot at fulfilling my dreams. I have to believe that my belly full of butterflies can still make the right judgments. I have to learn to trust myself again. And I really need to figure out why I stopped trusting myself to begin with.

Well I know why.... I have to get passed this. My gut is not good at one thing. But it's the one thing that drives me forward so much.

I need to be able to trust my heart again.

It's an endless loop in time that I am lost within.

A wearying mind, a panicking heart.

As the sea of uncertainty begins to fill my mind, desperation begins to consume my heart, clouding my vision with fear. Pain from the ongoing struggle of trying to walk the path of destiny, is compounded by the sight of my own lonely shadow. A realization that my demise inside such a place will leave me broken where no one will see me, Nor hear me. Not even a wonder of my existence.
I can only hope, as much as I hate the word "hope", that this is only a part of the story to fulfill my quest for life. And like many great stories I've read and dreamed, this is the fall I must take before I can truly ascend to happiness.

Walking Backwards; Watching Me Running in Circles.

I finally realize what holds me back.

I am not, and have not ever been the type of person to get in a relationship just to say I'm in a relationship. If I have ever initiated the idea, or tried dating someone, it has always been to attempt to further develop a deeper bond with a person to which I already feel close. And since Middle school it has always been the same thing: That feeling is not mutual. I end up throwing my heart into them, and to some extent I get taken advantage of. Even after learning this lesson over and over, I get seduced and manipulated by females even when I know they are abusing my emotions for personal gain. Why? Because I'm a sucker for even the idea that my attempts at being sweet and chivalrous might win over their apathetic hearts. I never like to give up, until there is nothing left to give anymore and I am no longer useful to them.

I hate the fact that no matter how many lessons I have learned in the issue of relationships I have not gotten any closer to seeing how to obtain a genuine relationship with someone. I see so well with my mind's eye and yet my heart is just as blind as it was as a child. I just keep re-living the same scenario in a perpetual loop every time I try. It's no wonder I am not eager to try again.

Anything I want emotionally, I am unable to obtain. Love and relationships have never been on my side, not even within my family. It's as if I have been cursed since birth. I fear that unless I can figure out how to lift this hex, I am doomed to possessing a withering heart who's own hunger will one day eat itself alive.

Aftershocks of nothing.

After the pain of heartbreak begins to dull. An old feeling begins to emerge again. That empty feeling. It is unwelcome in this home, but it always manages to convince you to let them in. It is a feeling that you are unwanted. A feeling you know all too well.

I've never felt abandoned, just insignificant. No matter how much I want to believe I can recruit someone else to join me in my quest for life, I must come to the realization that I must take this journey alone. My faint of heart has made it difficult for me to use my passionate spirit to muster up the courage I need to move forward in this direction. I must find a way to light the fire in my bosom again, lest I be consumed by darkness.

That icy cold sensation I get in my chest when I'm startled or nervous that's usually sudden and goes away in seconds. It's not doing that anymore. It's just staying there. It's aching, I just want it to go away. There's just no cure. I feel like its being crushed and my heart is beating faintly.

Smitten & Smite

I feel like such a fool. I just can't tell anymore. Why does it feel like she's tempting me to follow when she won't let me have her. Is she taken visually, but not in her heart? Do I even have a chance? Am I missing something? Does she even want me? Am I just being manipulated? Why can't I just have her already.... I know the story all too well. She'll keep beckoning, I'll keep following. Women have way too much power over us.

Alone.

I now know why I am alone. Because I sought to leave a world that many of my former peers could not, or were too content in to leave. It was never my intention to be alone, but I realize this sacrifice to breakthrough to the other side hurts me the most. The wound it has put on my ever-working heart, makes my soul weep in agony. Not just for the pain that comes from loneliness, but mostly from the fear that I will never truly be fulfilled in life. Not even close. A fear that my life history maybe be too unique to relate to anyone. To believe that one maybe destined for unhappiness, due to something as simple as a misunderstanding.... Once again, I am a victim of circumstance.

Failure.

My heart aches. I wish it would just break already. my words can't even explain what I feel.

Inhibitions: The Id and the SuperEgo.

I encountered a kind of twin paradox yesterday. I feel it is still unresolved.

On the train returning from GSU I caught eyes with a young lady who appeared to be mentally ill. More specifically: had down-syndrome. I couldn't help but stare at her, not only because I found her to be so attractive, but also because she was smiling and blushing at me while waving. I started to think that maybe she was looking at someone else, but she pointed me out in particular. And I have to say I had never felt more flattered in my life. I still can't explain why. But strangely enough, a perverted thought came to my mind. Would it be wrong to lust after a person with down-syndrome? I mean can someone truly say that she would not be capable of comprehending her own sexuality? She obviously had employment from the ID she was wearing along with the formal attire. Couldn't it be argued that she would have a better chance of understanding an instinctual process of procreation that all other organisms understand, than understanding what it means to be a part of the workforce? Does she not have hormones that make her pine for sexual pleasure? And is she not worthy of bearing children? Maybe it has more to do with people and their general disgust with anything that is not of peak physical condition when it comes to sex.

Later, another side of this spectrum was shown to me this same day in the evening. Which was probably even more interesting. On my way to work a very attractive young woman sat near me on the bus. She smiled and said hello to me. Immediately we began to talk and I could tell she was flirting, biting her lower lip as she scooted over next to me. She was very direct and openly affectionate with me, touching my thigh with her hands like we had known each other for some time already. She had some baggage with her and I asked her whether she was going out of town or just getting back. She told me she was coming back from seeing a client and this was her first time taking Marta so extensively from trains and buses. She usually wouldn't be on the bus but, she couldn't get a ride from her "Daddy" because she was on punishment for being so needy all the time. I found that to be very interesting, but not as interesting as the response she gave me when I asked her what it is she does for a living. Without hesitation she told me, "I sell pussy." Which suddenly made me understand the daddy reference. She began to tell me of her sexual exploits with such excitement and glee that I couldn't help but be aroused. As she was getting up to leave she told me where she would be later on that night and I should swing by after work to "buy something", as she squeezed my inner thigh. She even went as far as saying that no matter what I might think, I was always going to be paying for the sex anyway. Only, now there is not the hassle of dealing with a relationship. I knew exactly what she was getting at and I couldn't argue against her.

I didn't go see her after work. But I began to think about the reasons why I chose to not go see her. If we could take the situation out of the context of reality's health issues and circumstances, would I think differently about it? If STD's did not exist and prostitution was not illegal would I have gone back to see her then? Would it still be taboo among people to purchase sex from someone? This girl was incredibly attractive, young, sprightly and definitely openly affectionate and I am not currently in a relationship with anyone (though I do desire someone in particular). Would I tempt this offer if under these circumstances? I already knew the answer the moment I posed myself the question. The answer was undoubtedly no.

In the past I have learned that physical intimacy is too tied to my heart for me to ever participate in any sexual acts without emotional attachment. And as much as I believe in free love, esp. if there existed a world where STD's did not exist. I know I could never really take part in it without being in pain. Could you? Would you be okay with seeing the person you desire so much with another at the same level of intimacy? Would you not be jealous? Wouldn't you want to feel special, or are you okay with just being another person on a list?

But what of her? Is it wrong for her to sell sex? She obviously seems to enjoy it. Don't we all have a least some desire for money? Who wouldn't want both at the same time? She did not seem physically abused (and for the sake of the argument lets say she hasn't been) and she also said she was very selective in who she sleeps with. Sure, even her saying that could just have been a ploy to get money out of me. But she did choose to sit next to me over the others on that bus. But again, the question is: what is wrong with her selling her body in a situation where no one is biologically or physically harmed?

In both of these situations where I take the women out of context and put them in an ideal setting, I still feel apprehension to act upon my desires. I feel they are connected, and I can't figure out why they are and why I would still be so apprehensive.

Jealousy, Plucking my Heart Strings

Some years ago I would have never fathomed I'd be in this position. Struggling to forget about past scars of the heart, I moved away from my emotional investment in others and smothered my soul with ambition and creation. I had given up on finding someone for me completely. And I was content with that fact. I truly was. But life always finds a way of being more powerful than any resolve you possess. And Lady Serendipity will always find a way of putting me in a place that I could never foresee. Always putting me right in the middle of bad timing. Having me desire someone who is already taken. But I know there is more to this.

Is it more than just a longing for them? Maybe I am jealous of what they have as well. Something I know I really can't have. Something that was never meant for me. Family. Sure, I have family; But not like hers, and not with such seemingly good history and love. I remember being a child and that was the only thing I truly wished for. I didn't want money, fame, extraordinary power, I just wanted a family that was happy together. Who didn't argue and fight all the time. And even though times have changed, and the turmoil my father brought to my two significant others (my brother and mother) and myself is something of the past. His name is like that of a haunting ghost that can never be spoken of without anger filling my brother's soul and tears shedding from my mother's heart. I know, after so many years of trying, there is nothing I could do to mend their wounds. And that hurts me the most. There is no physical pain that I wouldn't endure to let this hurt leave me forever. But that is not my fate. And deep down inside, I know there is nothing I can do to change this.

So maybe I am just a coward and I want to escape. Escape into a different life, and a different family. I don't want to accept the burden of what circumstance has given me for much of my young life anymore. I can feel my soul tiring, from playing soother to my brother and being strong for my mother. I am weary from taking my life in my own hands from such a young age. Trying my best not to show my fears of the future to my brother, who believes I have planned it all out. Who admires my forethought, and seemingly distress-free heart. And I hide my lack of courage about being alone from my mother, who believes in her heart I never have growing pains. I remember her telling someone that she never saw me shed a tear for anything past the age of 6. Even when I was leaving her womb I did not cry. Without words she has told me I would have to be the strong one.

Even now thinking back on all I have accomplished, I realize that if it wasn't for the strength my mother gave me, and the passion my brother instilled in me, I would have never made it this far in my life. And maybe that's the reason why I accept the fact that I can't run away. Because of my brother's admiration for me and my mother's desire to live her lost hopes and dreams through me. They have made me all that I am. Every bit of strength, every bit of passion, all my desire is that I can live up to their beliefs in me. Because maybe it is the one thing that can mend their souls. And that is the one thing that can make me truly happy.

I will put aside my jealousy for a life different from what I have already lived, for my mother, who gave every being of her self and never complained once about it. Never once, about working overtime everyday just so I would never think twice about having running water, food, and warm blankets for the winter. Never once did she voice her pain over her true love who divorced her before my father, who fulfilled her more than my father ever could. Even now with her physical pains in her old age, she never complains in her work, she keeps moving because she knows it has to be done. Though we never got a chance to learn each other in my young life. Even in my development years I could see her strength and I knew I wanted it. If I could accept the responsibility as an adolescent then there is no reason I can't now.

I shall put aside my envy for a different family for my brother, who has given me the realization that I can achieve what my heart desires even when the odds are stacked against me 1,000,000 to 1. He being the boy who suffered so many medical issues as a sickly youth and a timid adolescence. Who was scarred emotionally and physically at the hands of my overbearing father at such a young age has grown into a physically strong and outgoing person. He has shown me that we all can grow against the odds. We can overtake anything. It is our passion that will break through our pains and give us a protective shell of unfeeling. I knew this when I was a child, so there is no reason I should not realize this now.

I will become what I was designed to be: a vessel for their hopes and ambition. Because I have already accepted my purpose and this is no time for cowardice.

The resolve:
She is beautiful because she was nutured through love and compassion. Giving her an unchanging heart of empathy and affection.

He is beautiful because he was nutured through passion and courage. Giving him a soul steadfast in endurance.